While I was growing up we moved a lot but not till my mom and dad got divorced. I found through school records that I showed signs of low self-esteem even as a pre-schooler, which was a surprise to me. I knew I had hated myself for a long time, but I did not know it went back that far.
In the divorce custody was granted to my Mom as was the custom in those days. My Father took me back to where they lived before the divorce once a week or month I do not remember.
My mother was looking for a new guy in her life and she was not particular about who it was. She ended up with a child molester who liked my sister but did not have much use for me. In fact he did not want me around, but he knew he could not get my mom to give me up so he made my life miserable.
My dad had found someone too meanwhile. I did not know her very well at this point though. Well one day, I do not know why but I wanted to talk to God while living with my mom so I asked her how to pray. She told me a prayer she had learned as a child called: "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." I prayed this every night, but I wanted to say more to God than that. So I started asking Him to let me see my dad more, and my uncles and aunts from my dads side. With tears in my eyes, I prayed this every night.
He did what I asked Him to. My mother’s boy friend was charged with sexual abuse of my sister and physical and emotional abuse of me. He got off, but my mom lost custody of us for good! After that she visited us for a couple weeks and then she decided to break it off, and did not talk to us or even call on the phone. For 8 years no letters; no nothing.
Meanwhile my Step mom thought that we needed discipline more than the average kids because we were brought up in dirty conditions and with sexual abuse. She did not want us either, so I think it was an excuse. Later she told my aunt that we were not hers and there was no way she would treat us like we should be treated because we were not hers.
I prayed all this time. My prayers changed, but I still had my own way of doing them. I prayed from the time I was in second grade till I was about 23. Then I started back sliding. Now I still do not pray as often as I used to, but I am getting closer to God in other ways.
I read the Bible and go to church every week, which I could not do as a kid. I also try to let His will be done every day in my life, in everything I do and say. I have a lot of problem areas though. I know what they are, and I will continue to ask Him to use his strength to solve them.
Samson
e-mail: rlecloux@itol.com
Copyright 1998 Vivian Peek all rights reserved.